small post
hard to put these in front of other ppl... anyways, when ppl ask me whether im okay, i'll just reply i'm okay..
but i don't dare to speak of improvement for myself.. i won't even dare to say "oh i'm better now" because i noe its just a shovelling away..
[honest post time, i dun like being emo] at nite, i really dunoe wad to tink.. sometimes i feel so damn sad and cry.. sometimes i may not be that sad.. but i feel like letting it out.. sometimes i forgot my sadness.. indeed i realised that sadness can be averted easily.. i can do that.. but i don't feel like doing that.. i actually prefer to get in touch with my sadness.. even sometimes outside wif ppl i will suddenly in my mind remind myself of her
i wont dare speak of progress for myself.. i still miss her.. there are nights when my heart really aches with pain.. im just frustrated all these are emotional and not physical.. that when people ask me whether im okay, well since im not really physically in touch with pain, i say im okay.. if i say im not okay, and explained i still tink of her everynight, you all also wont know what to say one mah.. in the end i also dunoe wad to say to u all.. its the same old thing everyday.. and it will always be like this, since e person's dead, nothing else is gonna change..
in fact, i dont even dare to say "I've stopped crying, I've got over it".. it was my initial reaction though.. that very night i heard of the news and was posting on my forum.. in that few hours i told myself all sorts of reasons to move on with life and honour her.. i said "I GOT OVER IT!!!" that night.. because since her death is still near, you feel you need to honour her.. but after the person's gone for a long time, its no longer like that.. you realise you miss her.. and that's what matters.. it will never be resolved.. you can tell yourself i've got over it, but eventually you will cry and miss her much more in another period of time.. i VERY MUCH hate the classification of grief.. which i went through it alot on the net.. why be so strict on yourself..
in the end, u all will also say im thinking too much of her, dun tink so much, or think im obsessed, so of coz, that's why i say im okay..
but i noe that pretty well.. just wanna say bout nighttime.. my nights is really messed up.. and im not the type to "ok it's 1am, let's call it a day and sleep".. i'm the type that won't sleep until i feel tired.. thus i usually sleep at 5am.. so of coz, during these night times i think of alot of things
what am i thinking? im pretty sure i repeated these alot of times.. in the end i take out her photo, talk to plain air.. or just cry.. i play sad music and cry, or watch some sad clips (bout life and death.. i have a dog movie that's very sad at the end >_>).. and yes sometimes i tink of suicide.. sometimes i really go crazy.. but i knew i wudnt hav the guts to do it anyway.. i'll admit it, sometimes i do hurt myself.. (but im not the /wrist type..) in fact i found comfort in the fact someday i will die.. so i can... finally meet with her again...
i found it pretty interesting in the Jewish Custom i read about on net.. when a parent dies, the children are supposed to mourn for 1 year.. not going to parties and stuff.. but when a child dies.. the parents are supposed to mourn only a month, before resuming back their normal lifes.. the reason?
because when a child dies, the sadness is inconsolable for parents.. a child might get over with a parent's death, but not for a child's death for a parent.. it is so inconsolable that they allow you to mourn only a month because any extended period might lead to deep depression.. thus there's no point in really mourning..
well i pretty hate this.. yea im depressed, but isn't that's how i should feel? to me, its somehow a comfort i feel depress and had thoughts of suicide.. in the eyes of others, it's just a matter of making sure that i survive through my life..
but i don't dare to speak of improvement for myself.. i won't even dare to say "oh i'm better now" because i noe its just a shovelling away..
[honest post time, i dun like being emo] at nite, i really dunoe wad to tink.. sometimes i feel so damn sad and cry.. sometimes i may not be that sad.. but i feel like letting it out.. sometimes i forgot my sadness.. indeed i realised that sadness can be averted easily.. i can do that.. but i don't feel like doing that.. i actually prefer to get in touch with my sadness.. even sometimes outside wif ppl i will suddenly in my mind remind myself of her
i wont dare speak of progress for myself.. i still miss her.. there are nights when my heart really aches with pain.. im just frustrated all these are emotional and not physical.. that when people ask me whether im okay, well since im not really physically in touch with pain, i say im okay.. if i say im not okay, and explained i still tink of her everynight, you all also wont know what to say one mah.. in the end i also dunoe wad to say to u all.. its the same old thing everyday.. and it will always be like this, since e person's dead, nothing else is gonna change..
in fact, i dont even dare to say "I've stopped crying, I've got over it".. it was my initial reaction though.. that very night i heard of the news and was posting on my forum.. in that few hours i told myself all sorts of reasons to move on with life and honour her.. i said "I GOT OVER IT!!!" that night.. because since her death is still near, you feel you need to honour her.. but after the person's gone for a long time, its no longer like that.. you realise you miss her.. and that's what matters.. it will never be resolved.. you can tell yourself i've got over it, but eventually you will cry and miss her much more in another period of time.. i VERY MUCH hate the classification of grief.. which i went through it alot on the net.. why be so strict on yourself..
in the end, u all will also say im thinking too much of her, dun tink so much, or think im obsessed, so of coz, that's why i say im okay..
but i noe that pretty well.. just wanna say bout nighttime.. my nights is really messed up.. and im not the type to "ok it's 1am, let's call it a day and sleep".. i'm the type that won't sleep until i feel tired.. thus i usually sleep at 5am.. so of coz, during these night times i think of alot of things
what am i thinking? im pretty sure i repeated these alot of times.. in the end i take out her photo, talk to plain air.. or just cry.. i play sad music and cry, or watch some sad clips (bout life and death.. i have a dog movie that's very sad at the end >_>).. and yes sometimes i tink of suicide.. sometimes i really go crazy.. but i knew i wudnt hav the guts to do it anyway.. i'll admit it, sometimes i do hurt myself.. (but im not the /wrist type..) in fact i found comfort in the fact someday i will die.. so i can... finally meet with her again...
i found it pretty interesting in the Jewish Custom i read about on net.. when a parent dies, the children are supposed to mourn for 1 year.. not going to parties and stuff.. but when a child dies.. the parents are supposed to mourn only a month, before resuming back their normal lifes.. the reason?
because when a child dies, the sadness is inconsolable for parents.. a child might get over with a parent's death, but not for a child's death for a parent.. it is so inconsolable that they allow you to mourn only a month because any extended period might lead to deep depression.. thus there's no point in really mourning..
well i pretty hate this.. yea im depressed, but isn't that's how i should feel? to me, its somehow a comfort i feel depress and had thoughts of suicide.. in the eyes of others, it's just a matter of making sure that i survive through my life..
posted by k0sm0s at 4:17 AM
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