2 days left
i just finished crying... past few days, after reaching home from sch doing project, and also wanted to chiong it at night.. but something is hindering me from starting work
i just feel something is tiring me.. i tried to cry it out, and did.. and always after that i slept..
just now it is the same thing.. i'm supposed to either be sleeping or doing work now.. but again i had that uncomfortable feeling and tried to cry.. but couldn't.. i finally decided to load up the 363 days old article.. now typing this, wow has it really passed 363 days since that day? i feel quite sad that it has been this long.
i realised now i've started to move on from her......... and that's the thing i feared from first day. my feelings are fading away. i don't want it to happen. it's making me feel better but i don't want it. from the beginning i feared the coming of it, the losing of feeling. however, having not touched the picture for so long, just now look at it i just cried very easily... kind of a ease
maybe i'm really crazy. i keep telling myself to cry. out of anything that makes me feel weird, i will think it's that event that made me like that. 1 year+ a few days i wasn't like that. I wonder how i would be studying like if that haven't happened. How would my project be? Would i be more diligent or slackier.
someone told me "lol it's 12 liao u can take out 1 day (regarding my 2 days countdown)", of course, he's thinking of the project deadline.. but i wasn't counting down to that, i'm counting down to anniversary.
2 more days, 365 days since she passed away. 1 year since she passed away. 20288 days.... to
live. When did i become like that? I'm sure i do not count down all these gloomy stuff 1 year before.. i'm sure i'll be treating death like some light matter 1 year ago.. now, i think of death everyday. 1 year ago, i'm sure i'll be much less stress than now. if this had not happened, i won't be skipping church for a selfish reason, or i might return now and then. now, i had a disgust to the my previously respected people, i bear hatred to some people.
i realized, when that event happened, while some church ppl contacted me to comfort me, and i specifically told them i do not want SOME ppl concern because i'm not comfortable with them. And the next day, these people approached me and comforted me. (i using plural form, but in fact, it's 1 person i knew) it seems like relief at that point, but now thinking about that, wow everybody spread to everybody what happened to me even though i told them i do not want them to comfort me. And yet even now none of them seems to care. I do not have a reason to go back when you people are like that. And i do not appreciate underhanded tactics like "hey let's go have lunch" to bring me back. True, i bear hatred to you people now. None of you are showing real concern at all. I can talk with you normally if you being sincere yourself.
I have a quiet personality. I usually just stick to people. My words are seldom heard in group talks. When people discuss their personal problems, esp BGR problems, they usually discuss with other people. And i act like i dun care. But seriously, when you people talk, i'm hearing you, and i'm taking in information. Just that because you people do not involve me, i act like i don't care. In church last time, it's even worse, i usually talk to guys who are abit older than me, and they move on to adults, and then i stick with the younger ones since at least they are interested in games, and i usually go home with them. The people at my age however, some usually take cabs or go home wif parents, some are in leaders, so they got other stuff, and most have their own groups to go with. In the end when the secondaries are busy, I usually go home alone. In rehearsals, i usually spend my time alone, and most of the time i go home alone too. And it's obvious my words really doesn't matter. You underestimated how much i think. When I start getting angry, I told myself to bear it for God and continued serving. Eventually I exploded.
Indeed, I always stutter when i trying to talk properly... Thus i always can't give information. Perhaps I'm too much of a programmer. I tell something, then i reinforce with explicit information, and reinforce that wif even more explicit stuff, thus seldom people can understand my stuff. Just like this blog. I've actually typed further stuff then i suddenly jump back here. See, i stated explicitly again. That's why i prefer typing on msn. It allows me to format my information properly.
I see some people whose problems are bigger than mine, problems which are reality, other than my self inducing emotional problems from that event, real problems like being poor. Indeed i'm lucky to come from a well to do family, and i spend quite alot compare to others. I'm still totally reliant on my parents. I see some friends who are actually poor and are working for themselves, health problems, and yet i'm like spoiling myself in every way possible. I sometimes irritated by these people, and I know i'm thinking of it, and i'm guilty that i'm not feeling guilty of it.
Argh now i've let go of so many stuff i can finally resume work on project again, yay! it's 3 am, i can't sleep tonight. I'm trying to fix a broken game here. Give me 7 hours (til 10am), I'll fix a game.
so, a picture leads to this blog post.. i really got to visit the temple soon, i haven't went there since last year (i was too lazy to go during CNY)
2 days left
i just feel something is tiring me.. i tried to cry it out, and did.. and always after that i slept..
just now it is the same thing.. i'm supposed to either be sleeping or doing work now.. but again i had that uncomfortable feeling and tried to cry.. but couldn't.. i finally decided to load up the 363 days old article.. now typing this, wow has it really passed 363 days since that day? i feel quite sad that it has been this long.
i realised now i've started to move on from her......... and that's the thing i feared from first day. my feelings are fading away. i don't want it to happen. it's making me feel better but i don't want it. from the beginning i feared the coming of it, the losing of feeling. however, having not touched the picture for so long, just now look at it i just cried very easily... kind of a ease
maybe i'm really crazy. i keep telling myself to cry. out of anything that makes me feel weird, i will think it's that event that made me like that. 1 year+ a few days i wasn't like that. I wonder how i would be studying like if that haven't happened. How would my project be? Would i be more diligent or slackier.
someone told me "lol it's 12 liao u can take out 1 day (regarding my 2 days countdown)", of course, he's thinking of the project deadline.. but i wasn't counting down to that, i'm counting down to anniversary.
2 more days, 365 days since she passed away. 1 year since she passed away. 20288 days.... to
live. When did i become like that? I'm sure i do not count down all these gloomy stuff 1 year before.. i'm sure i'll be treating death like some light matter 1 year ago.. now, i think of death everyday. 1 year ago, i'm sure i'll be much less stress than now. if this had not happened, i won't be skipping church for a selfish reason, or i might return now and then. now, i had a disgust to the my previously respected people, i bear hatred to some people.
i realized, when that event happened, while some church ppl contacted me to comfort me, and i specifically told them i do not want SOME ppl concern because i'm not comfortable with them. And the next day, these people approached me and comforted me. (i using plural form, but in fact, it's 1 person i knew) it seems like relief at that point, but now thinking about that, wow everybody spread to everybody what happened to me even though i told them i do not want them to comfort me. And yet even now none of them seems to care. I do not have a reason to go back when you people are like that. And i do not appreciate underhanded tactics like "hey let's go have lunch" to bring me back. True, i bear hatred to you people now. None of you are showing real concern at all. I can talk with you normally if you being sincere yourself.
I have a quiet personality. I usually just stick to people. My words are seldom heard in group talks. When people discuss their personal problems, esp BGR problems, they usually discuss with other people. And i act like i dun care. But seriously, when you people talk, i'm hearing you, and i'm taking in information. Just that because you people do not involve me, i act like i don't care. In church last time, it's even worse, i usually talk to guys who are abit older than me, and they move on to adults, and then i stick with the younger ones since at least they are interested in games, and i usually go home with them. The people at my age however, some usually take cabs or go home wif parents, some are in leaders, so they got other stuff, and most have their own groups to go with. In the end when the secondaries are busy, I usually go home alone. In rehearsals, i usually spend my time alone, and most of the time i go home alone too. And it's obvious my words really doesn't matter. You underestimated how much i think. When I start getting angry, I told myself to bear it for God and continued serving. Eventually I exploded.
Indeed, I always stutter when i trying to talk properly... Thus i always can't give information. Perhaps I'm too much of a programmer. I tell something, then i reinforce with explicit information, and reinforce that wif even more explicit stuff, thus seldom people can understand my stuff. Just like this blog. I've actually typed further stuff then i suddenly jump back here. See, i stated explicitly again. That's why i prefer typing on msn. It allows me to format my information properly.
I see some people whose problems are bigger than mine, problems which are reality, other than my self inducing emotional problems from that event, real problems like being poor. Indeed i'm lucky to come from a well to do family, and i spend quite alot compare to others. I'm still totally reliant on my parents. I see some friends who are actually poor and are working for themselves, health problems, and yet i'm like spoiling myself in every way possible. I sometimes irritated by these people, and I know i'm thinking of it, and i'm guilty that i'm not feeling guilty of it.
Argh now i've let go of so many stuff i can finally resume work on project again, yay! it's 3 am, i can't sleep tonight. I'm trying to fix a broken game here. Give me 7 hours (til 10am), I'll fix a game.
so, a picture leads to this blog post.. i really got to visit the temple soon, i haven't went there since last year (i was too lazy to go during CNY)
2 days left
posted by k0sm0s at 10:22 AM
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