argh 'rants'

=i assure you this is going to be a very emo post=

2 days has past since i wanted to type this... the blog's editor window has been opened yet i just didn't start writing anything on it.. argh

i can't take it anymore...

i wan to freaking die! this pain has tortured me for nearly 1 year! esp nowadays, the past 2 days of chinese new year.. during this chinese new year i was happily passing time with her on msn... watched haruhi suzumiya when she told me she's bored and asks me to recommend an anime for her.

then 2 weeks later she died.

i can't freaking take this anymore! I've been telling myself that, whenever i feel sad, that's because i have a knife stabbed in my heart right now and i can't freaking remove it, and that's why it hurts, there's a reason why it so freaking hurts!

now looking through last year's chatlogs.. freaking good times..

now it sucks.

now i really want to die.


i wan to go to the temple to visit her.

Fuck.

speaking of this, on tuesday.. as i went to school, i felt my legs were like quite stiff.. but nevermind i continued walking..

then while studying some stuff halfway.. i felt abit weak.. i ignored it.. then very soon, i realise my body is going weak..

and its not that kind of fever-numbness.. its just suddenly weak..

i rested my head.. then during that moment i was thinking : "am i going to die? how would my parents feel? how would my friends feel? they sure very sad for me! i wan finish this project first before i die! argh i haven't even started on this year's project, i wan finish it before i die!"


then i thought: "heck.. most people's death aren't that generous.. ruihua was still heading back to study when we left our final conversation, she wants to play in her harmonica concert.. but she didn't get a chance. I'm sure she still has much more stuff she wants to do, and she loves her parents more than me, she definitely feels more pain than me for leaving.
Haiz, looks like asking for generosity before dying ain't an option. All deaths happen out of sudden. I guess I shouldn't ask for anything then."

well [partly] damn! nothing happened.. i woke up with lots of perspiration and body feeling slightly better.. evening nothing much liao..

past 2 days has been quite torturous. tell me how the fuck am i suppose to soothe myself when memories of her keep cropping up!!! THERE'S A BLOODY KNIFE IN MY HEART!!!

I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS REALITY, THIS LIFE ANYMORE!!!

How i wish i could just turn my dream (the perfect world i go to when i sleep at night, that she actually exists) into reality, reality into my dream.

i don't care if i haven't developed a game before i die. If it happens let it happens. I can't ask for much anyways.

Just a moment of pain. Then eternal's rest.

She has gone through it anyway. If it happened to me i shan't ask much.

Even if i died tomorrow, i hope i won't beg for generosity.