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20 june 1 am

i wan to die, but i don't want to suicide

i made a new blog...

i made a new blog.. but i intended it to b a private blog.. it can b viewed by public though.. i made another accout for it.. inside i will type uninterrupted n honest stuff.. so i wont b saying wads the blog.. pai seh ah.. but i intend that blog to b anonymous ;) so i can really rant out everything

no titles for this one anyway

in a bad mood.. partly due to myself n partly due to external circumstances.. today some other news made me sad (but its not hardcore as death)..

tmr primary sch classmates going visit ruihua's urn.. i tink i'll cry there ba (normal anyway)..

i'll just type this in the blog to whoever's reading it

3-4 months, i've went through all sorts of ways to handle my pain

sometimes, i can be happy though, because i found a new belief
but beliefs do disappoint n fail, and wad can i do, just let out a sigh and nothing else

there were alot of nice people.. they ask me "hey are you okay?" i truly appreciate that..
the irony, the people i expected to get help from (i'll be blunt here, cos bad mood: church people), no one seems to care, no "are you okay?" "how are you?".. that only happened during my first week, when everybody came to care.. i noe i may abit demanding here, but see:

1-2 months later, church ppl seem to forget how i really am.. i noe its hard talking about death.. nvm i forgive you, i noe my other friends also dun like to talk about it.. i also found a way coping with it.. so i understand

but this period of 2-3 months, the people who came to talk to me, none were from church.. they may not talk about my issue, but they know how i feel.. sometimes they still tell me "how are you bro? are you still okay?", n one of my leaders, when seeing one of my worst msn nick (really very very terrible mood that day, i just typed "FUUCKKK YOUU LAAA!!!" bcoz alot happened), he said "lol chill dude".. but i hav ppl who always came to chat wif me.. they may not be talking my issue, but i feel glad..

even anonymous forum members cared about me.. they saw my nick and ask me how i am..

during this whole time, not 1 single church mate came to talk to me

i noe i may be abit demanding.. im sorry for that..

but anyways, thanks for that.. and i know there are alot of sad ppl in this world due to various issues, bgr (sadly, mostly haha).. now i dun rike to talk bout bgr liao.. coz it makes me sad.. but yet its betta than seeing church ppl who put up their damn super happy front..

ok time for wad i really wan to say (yea typing that i got off topic and went ranting)


"3-4 months, i've went through all sorts of ways to handle my pain

sometimes, i can be happy though, because i found a new belief
but beliefs do disappoint n fail, and wad can i do, just let out a sigh and nothing else" (i went OT at this point)

now, i decided, no choice, i shall take in the pain, can't escape from pain, so sometimes at night when i tink of her, n pain comes, i take in the pain... yea sure sounds like im pretty in a suicidal mood.. which i'll honestly say on this blog, i wont deny it.. some night i can b abit crazy..

so i guess now some ppl are gonna be worried for me
but let me explain, when u are in sadness, and i ask you "hey are you alright?" and you know u need some time to cope yourself, so u say u are alright ma.. but yet u noe u are not alright..

if i say im not alright, you wud hav thought im in really pain or wadever.. but this pain is definitely there.. so i tell you im alright, the pain level is still quite high, but i still want to handle this pain.. ai ya its hard to explain la!!! and im not denying im suicidal, in fact its normal to suicidal, let me tell u.. its whether we really go do it or not.. thats e consequence.. anyway, ive been thru 4 months of widely different ways to handle this pain, so if they had worked, i wud hav been still using them.. but i had disappointments together.. so its really a matter of exploring different ways to handle pain..


the following thing i noe will alarm ppl.. i can dun say, but yet i noe im in this state, and i wan ppl to know, yet i hope u will understand that im not alone

i dont mind this sadness slowly tear me apart in the end.. in fact ive allowed it.. yes, part of the reason i hav for living is gone.. understand me, its hard to live on, the fear of dying is partly gone.. now i dont mind living a short life.. my sadness will b seeing alive friends missing me.. which im not willing to do.. but i really dont feel like resisting death at all..

the comfort msg i can offer is, i noe im not alone.. understand my state, n i wont go off myself without considering alot of things.. but when the time comes, im not resisting it

(argh self emoing OT again.. shall put it again)

"3-4 months, i've went through all sorts of ways to handle my pain

sometimes, i can be happy though, because i found a new belief
but beliefs do disappoint n fail, and wad can i do, just let out a sigh and nothing else"

i realised, no matter how sad i can be, each time im wif friends, i cheer up.. jokes still make me laugh, no matter how sad i am.. its funny isn't it? no matter how sad u are, when u are wif friends, even if they are not comforting u, but u get comfort from just being wif ppl.. you get strength to sustain and walk on.. once they are gone, u feel sad, but when they are back, you can continue walking on wif them.. no matter how emo i am, when im wif friends, i stop it unconsciously..

(as an advice, please dun ask people to cheer up when they are sad.. really thats not the way)





yes thats my serious and analogical self.. which i dun usually show it.. jus that today's mood is so bad i decided to blog bout these things

i am depressed

no other reason than the only reason 3 months ago.

add one blog post

ok finally got the mood to add one post to my blog..

changed to a lighter color theme for my blog.. yea no more emo

okiez alot happened.. infer from my msn nick.. so ya basically thats that..

also learnt several lessons from life.. but if u ask me are these lessons worth? i say no.. but no choice they happened so i got to learn them early..

but jus one thing la to share la.. no matter what, we have to go thru them at some point of time.. sad to say, everyone will eventually experience what i've gone thru, and its not that im the only person on earth experiencing that.. haiz..

(reading newspapers always make me sad)

sian nowadays quite lazy.. refuse to do my work.. always delay delay until nv do.. i also feel very guilty.. haiz..












































NOOOO this isn't supposed to b a emo post!!!! but im really getting emo.. (started drawing on mspaint)

(if i got something more to add i will add)

anyways, ONE MOAR WEEK!!!!