2 days left

i just finished crying... past few days, after reaching home from sch doing project, and also wanted to chiong it at night.. but something is hindering me from starting work

i just feel something is tiring me.. i tried to cry it out, and did.. and always after that i slept..

just now it is the same thing.. i'm supposed to either be sleeping or doing work now.. but again i had that uncomfortable feeling and tried to cry.. but couldn't.. i finally decided to load up the 363 days old article.. now typing this, wow has it really passed 363 days since that day? i feel quite sad that it has been this long.

i realised now i've started to move on from her......... and that's the thing i feared from first day. my feelings are fading away. i don't want it to happen. it's making me feel better but i don't want it. from the beginning i feared the coming of it, the losing of feeling. however, having not touched the picture for so long, just now look at it i just cried very easily... kind of a ease

maybe i'm really crazy. i keep telling myself to cry. out of anything that makes me feel weird, i will think it's that event that made me like that. 1 year+ a few days i wasn't like that. I wonder how i would be studying like if that haven't happened. How would my project be? Would i be more diligent or slackier.

someone told me "lol it's 12 liao u can take out 1 day (regarding my 2 days countdown)", of course, he's thinking of the project deadline.. but i wasn't counting down to that, i'm counting down to anniversary.

2 more days, 365 days since she passed away. 1 year since she passed away. 20288 days.... to
live. When did i become like that? I'm sure i do not count down all these gloomy stuff 1 year before.. i'm sure i'll be treating death like some light matter 1 year ago.. now, i think of death everyday. 1 year ago, i'm sure i'll be much less stress than now. if this had not happened, i won't be skipping church for a selfish reason, or i might return now and then. now, i had a disgust to the my previously respected people, i bear hatred to some people.

i realized, when that event happened, while some church ppl contacted me to comfort me, and i specifically told them i do not want SOME ppl concern because i'm not comfortable with them. And the next day, these people approached me and comforted me. (i using plural form, but in fact, it's 1 person i knew) it seems like relief at that point, but now thinking about that, wow everybody spread to everybody what happened to me even though i told them i do not want them to comfort me. And yet even now none of them seems to care. I do not have a reason to go back when you people are like that. And i do not appreciate underhanded tactics like "hey let's go have lunch" to bring me back. True, i bear hatred to you people now. None of you are showing real concern at all. I can talk with you normally if you being sincere yourself.

I have a quiet personality. I usually just stick to people. My words are seldom heard in group talks. When people discuss their personal problems, esp BGR problems, they usually discuss with other people. And i act like i dun care. But seriously, when you people talk, i'm hearing you, and i'm taking in information. Just that because you people do not involve me, i act like i don't care. In church last time, it's even worse, i usually talk to guys who are abit older than me, and they move on to adults, and then i stick with the younger ones since at least they are interested in games, and i usually go home with them. The people at my age however, some usually take cabs or go home wif parents, some are in leaders, so they got other stuff, and most have their own groups to go with. In the end when the secondaries are busy, I usually go home alone. In rehearsals, i usually spend my time alone, and most of the time i go home alone too. And it's obvious my words really doesn't matter. You underestimated how much i think. When I start getting angry, I told myself to bear it for God and continued serving. Eventually I exploded.

Indeed, I always stutter when i trying to talk properly... Thus i always can't give information. Perhaps I'm too much of a programmer. I tell something, then i reinforce with explicit information, and reinforce that wif even more explicit stuff, thus seldom people can understand my stuff. Just like this blog. I've actually typed further stuff then i suddenly jump back here. See, i stated explicitly again. That's why i prefer typing on msn. It allows me to format my information properly.

I see some people whose problems are bigger than mine, problems which are reality, other than my self inducing emotional problems from that event, real problems like being poor. Indeed i'm lucky to come from a well to do family, and i spend quite alot compare to others. I'm still totally reliant on my parents. I see some friends who are actually poor and are working for themselves, health problems, and yet i'm like spoiling myself in every way possible. I sometimes irritated by these people, and I know i'm thinking of it, and i'm guilty that i'm not feeling guilty of it.

Argh now i've let go of so many stuff i can finally resume work on project again, yay! it's 3 am, i can't sleep tonight. I'm trying to fix a broken game here. Give me 7 hours (til 10am), I'll fix a game.

so, a picture leads to this blog post.. i really got to visit the temple soon, i haven't went there since last year (i was too lazy to go during CNY)

2 days left

ahh wad shd i type

even i also dunoe.. very bz nowadays since project start.. sian getting no holiday..

haiz..

ppl are going to tink im acting dramatic but anyways..

haiz cant sleep at night recently..
after chionging work 1 whole day, i reached home very tired, so tot i'll sleep pretty soon
then the lights were off.. but for some reason i can't seem to sleep

after a long while i managed to slept.. but 3-4am i woke up out of no reason and cannot sleep (i woke up 9am previous day, so it's not overslept)

then tat night.. lots of thoughts came into my mind.. what if this person die, what if that person die, what if my parents die.. how am i going to live on..

i really really wanted to go mad.. at least certified that i'm mad.. instead of living everyday and looking normal

after an hour of torturous thoughts, i fell asleep again.. then when i woke up, its like nothing ever happened.. my mood is not affected.. so stop emo liao..

den again 1 day of work.. reach home very tired.. trying to sleep
again cannot sleep

i give up.. i jus want to cry.. i force myself to cry.. i reminded myself of alot of sad things that happened the past 1 year and kept crying.. again the relief brought by crying came.. then i slept again..

and woke up like nothing happened.. then at night.. right now.. i can't seem to sleep again.. so i'm typing this, coz i'm jus trying to get it off..

should i go cry again?

project is screwed up..

6 days more to anniversary

shd i stop typing? i dun feel like.. neither do i noe what to type..

i hope theres an end to this.. but no

i realise no, its forever

its fucking forever..

i can never see her again..

unlike many things, there is not even a glimmer of hope for this...

there is no end point saying "it's all over"

until my death






what shall i do to get through this tomoro

argh 'rants'

=i assure you this is going to be a very emo post=

2 days has past since i wanted to type this... the blog's editor window has been opened yet i just didn't start writing anything on it.. argh

i can't take it anymore...

i wan to freaking die! this pain has tortured me for nearly 1 year! esp nowadays, the past 2 days of chinese new year.. during this chinese new year i was happily passing time with her on msn... watched haruhi suzumiya when she told me she's bored and asks me to recommend an anime for her.

then 2 weeks later she died.

i can't freaking take this anymore! I've been telling myself that, whenever i feel sad, that's because i have a knife stabbed in my heart right now and i can't freaking remove it, and that's why it hurts, there's a reason why it so freaking hurts!

now looking through last year's chatlogs.. freaking good times..

now it sucks.

now i really want to die.


i wan to go to the temple to visit her.

Fuck.

speaking of this, on tuesday.. as i went to school, i felt my legs were like quite stiff.. but nevermind i continued walking..

then while studying some stuff halfway.. i felt abit weak.. i ignored it.. then very soon, i realise my body is going weak..

and its not that kind of fever-numbness.. its just suddenly weak..

i rested my head.. then during that moment i was thinking : "am i going to die? how would my parents feel? how would my friends feel? they sure very sad for me! i wan finish this project first before i die! argh i haven't even started on this year's project, i wan finish it before i die!"


then i thought: "heck.. most people's death aren't that generous.. ruihua was still heading back to study when we left our final conversation, she wants to play in her harmonica concert.. but she didn't get a chance. I'm sure she still has much more stuff she wants to do, and she loves her parents more than me, she definitely feels more pain than me for leaving.
Haiz, looks like asking for generosity before dying ain't an option. All deaths happen out of sudden. I guess I shouldn't ask for anything then."

well [partly] damn! nothing happened.. i woke up with lots of perspiration and body feeling slightly better.. evening nothing much liao..

past 2 days has been quite torturous. tell me how the fuck am i suppose to soothe myself when memories of her keep cropping up!!! THERE'S A BLOODY KNIFE IN MY HEART!!!

I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS REALITY, THIS LIFE ANYMORE!!!

How i wish i could just turn my dream (the perfect world i go to when i sleep at night, that she actually exists) into reality, reality into my dream.

i don't care if i haven't developed a game before i die. If it happens let it happens. I can't ask for much anyways.

Just a moment of pain. Then eternal's rest.

She has gone through it anyway. If it happened to me i shan't ask much.

Even if i died tomorrow, i hope i won't beg for generosity.

dah another post

today ai module's last lesson, teacher gave us a feedback, which made me think

he said our batch worked hard this sem, everyone was doing their work in the labs, no one were slacking (well most were working).. i quite agree.. this sem despite the fact you just go in the lab and do your own work, the teacher not even watching, everyone REALLY did work instead of playing around..

then he said something: is it because last sem alot of ppl fail tats why everyone work so hard this sem?

i suddenly realise o ya.. indeed this sem i put in way more effort in work den last.. last sem i wud jus go lab and surf forums.. always telling myself to leave work for home (which i will never do anyway).. but this sem we spend most time in the labs doing what the teacher assigned us..

indeed last year i did very badly, i really wanted to stay back because i did not listen to lecturers, did not do their work (passed because my fren did do), and even fail 1 module completely (to b exact, 0 marks exactly, because i did not hand in a single thing).. then i did tell myself this sem no more forumming, full work in the labs.. then plus my hardworking grp member also affected me to work hard also.. and surprisingly not much attendance problems, not much assignment problems except multiplayer, which i managed to catch up in the end.

i learnt some things when approaching your work.. even though the question jus said something you can never figure out, jus go and create a project firs, go and follow whatever the teacher gave u to start out, then think of an easy objective to achieve in the program, like make the character walk, and as you work slowly, the answer will gradually become clear..

in fact this sem i can managed to do my work because i ask people how to do it now.. last time is if canot den jus giv up.. but now i realise if ask ppl most complicated problems can be solved eventually..

finally chinese new year... a break from all the chionging last week.. but most likely wont b taking much break.. got to keep the momentum to work on project so no slacking during the 3 weeks (which i tend to)

helpful equipment to do work: turn on a 4 hour long soundtrack list from nicovideo and do your work.. kinda helps haha


11 months liao.. 1 year is approaching.. i've already set some schools of thought that most likely will make ppl think i've gone crazy... but heck... im standing by it... never ever gonna chase another girl anymore in this life (i hope)... haiz ppl will never understand

still cry sometimes, but i've learnt how to handle it already...