ahh am i finally sick.. (warning emo post)

been wishing i can hav a day when i feel sick for very long.. finally right now i feel below average..

ok today's emo day.. since morning i woke up emo liao.. so lets talk bout some depressing stuff..

its been very long since ive took out the nearly 5 months old news article.. well, 6 days before its 5 months.. looked at her pic and cried again..

tink i shall clear up some stuff.. ok, when you miss someone, wad do you do to alleviate the pain? see things that reminds that person of coz (some may not, but that is the most logical course of action in the ideal storyline).. and i dont feel GOOD when i look at old memory articles.. esp when its.. pointless.. the moment im hesitating to click on that very ancient webpage, that picture, that song, the hesitation is because of the pain in my heart.. but still, i always go on to click on that thing.. and when im there, looking at the physical remains of memories, i dont feel anything other than pain.. theres no change, no miracle.. not like in movies, the director might add the person's spirit beside him, but no.. looking at that pic is still that feeling of lost. and i have to self decide my next course of action: to cry, to continue looking at the picture, or to do other stuff..

this morning, well i just suddenly decided to take out that article.. again.. i havent taken it out for nearly 1 month.. i looked at it.. and continue staring at it.. glad no one's at home.. until i cry.. how i wish this hell is over... but no.. i have to continue living in it..

i realised several stuff past few weeks..

no one is guaranteed to live a long life.. you have no guarantee you can live past this minute
no one is guaranteed to go through a wedding, a happy wedding or anything
no one is guaranteed to experience romance..

i decided.. for now, to stay singlehood.. i already dont know if i dare to love another person knowing the pain it WILL bring, and not expecting whether there will be a reward for it..



i can never see her again
i can never talk to her again
there can no longer be another meeting for us again
all communication between her and me, in this life, ends, forever, during this physical life i go through for as long as i live.

all these within this life (afterlife another issue)

on other stuff, its a good long walk wif my fren from tanah merah to tampines yesterday..

really abit crazy, its 12am when we reach tanah merah mrt from airport.. my card was bought for tampines.. then while waiting on the platform my fren commented "lol i feel like walking to tampines from here sia".. then i say "i dun mind leh..".. then off we go lols

walked for 1 hour 30 mins then i reached my house.. walked beside the forest following the mrt track, then into simei eastpoint, bought a drink, go toilet, then continue walking following the track til we reach tampines.. damn tired but good exercise.. guess thats the reason i felt emo this morning (the quietness of the night)

3 weeks project.. haiz i dont know how successful this project will be.. group discussion is = me and the dmd leader talking.. the rest are not paying attention.. not contributing ideas.. while im trying to facilitate discussion.. and it gave me an impression that im trying to take the lead.. and i hate it sia, but then no one else's talking.. and besides the discussion aint very fruitful either.. im feeling this game is not really a game.. im doing my best telling them games are not wad we all tink it is..

example: when designing a game, we always wan more weapons, more vehicles, more stages!! but these doesnt actually make the game fun, instead, i define fun to be the right difficulty of the game.. players canot have too much power.. it instead makes the game boring.. anyways, i told them(or him) to focus more on enemies and stages rather than weapons, and besides we dont even hav a well defined setting for this game.. lots of things are left empty..

finally, everytime im feeling down and i see my frens around i cheer up.. i noe i cant just die like that.. no matter how simple the fun is, i always realise i treasure this moments and i cant let it end if i 'erase' myself.. i cant imagine the pain on everyone if i self inflicted it.. yet, i am also not sure how long i can last normally.. well 2 days ago in a dream.. in that dream different bad stuff come piling upon me.. then i simply freak out and ran outside yelling madly and ran around.. then i woke up.. how much can the human mind sustain pressure? as nagato yuki explains it something like this:

being a powerful and knowledgeable robot that has the power to modify the whole world as she wants, but lacking of social skills, one day she drastically modified the whole world (in a worse way)..

when the main character (a normal human) realised the differences (everyone else had the memories modified together with the change), he tried to find back that robot girl, but she had disappeared..

anyways in the end he managed (by a miracle) to travel back a few years to the past and found the robot, the robot told him she anticipated she will one day change the whole world.. the guy asks her why?

"Corrupted data in my brain"

in human terms she went crazy and modified the world.. eventually the world was restored..

ahh nevermind.. wad am i typing.. forget it.. anyways i cry while watching doraemon.. i cry even if it thugs the slightest strings.. because i love all the characters so much.. and in one of the episodes that serves as an epilogue, nobita one day met an uncle, and that uncle told him he is nobita from 45 years later.. then doraemon comes and told nobita (young) that nobita (old) wans to switch places wif nobita(young), so he could experience his old childhood for a day.. nobita(young) agrees.. so doraemon used a tool that switches souls of two people, and thus now the older nobita is in the body of the younger one (and vice versa).. then nobita(old) went to see all of his frens and do his favourite activities in his childhood, and all his frens were left wondering why nobita is acting so strangely..

anyways while watching it, i was thinking, if one day i am allowed to go back to early times.. of coz i wud go back to see ruihua again.. and if allowed, try to prevent that incident from happening.. but thats side story.. i dont know what i wud say to her.. just a mere suggestion of this possibility in doraemon, i cried while watching this episode..


~end~

k0sm0s p0stz his game idea!!!

my second idea.. since our grp really not very good.. we need a very simple game.. so i took time to think of whether got a simple idea..

first opened my mspaint and start drawing random squares and circles.. then i spray paint around the empty canvas... WAH GOT INSPIRATION LIAO!!

i name it roadsweeper.. but cant imagine that concept being discussed, i simplify it into circles and squares


basically, the user controls a square.. with a button, the square sweeps around him (quite a large area).. the objective is to clear the square of dust..

sounds boring, so i add in enemies.. circles (rats) will run around and eat dirt also!! but as they eat, they grow stronger and may be mutate into mecha-rat, firing laser cannons at you.. you are supposed to kill this rats ASAP with your broom..

as stages move on, enemies such as ones who may spawn additional dirt, spawn rats, and those that run away, makes the game harder.. the canvas may also hav teleportation pads, and vehicles..

well shdnt be too hard coz everything is basic drawing and logic without much maths formulas.. other than AI (which is random) :)

wah 3 weeks project..

argh hell is coming again.. and this time much worse..

WAD THE HECK 12 MAN TEAM!?!?!?

7 programmers 5 designers.. wah... split task really very hard.. and i believe when deciding game ideas that time.. sure hav lots of conflicts.. this will probably b the worst 3 weeks project ever..

lol how to distribute work to 7 programmers sia.. as i always compare it.. it's like painting a painting, but all 7 seven people muz paint on the same canvas.. so how the heck are we supposed to paint it.. or a piece of music where 7 ppl muz compose one song together.. same goes wif programming.. its not like homework where u can split easily.. its a single piece of work that 7 ppl muz work together

so we need to design the main game.. the second is, we MUST have a level designer.. so 7 ppl we split up to 4 and 3 man subgrps.. one work on main game, one work on the level builder

so sure got LOTS of communication problem.. the work distributing part also hell liao.. and ya, im not confident of distributing work to a few programmers..

haha anyways, we are supposed to do a 2D casual game for use on airplane flight (it will be published, so the scenario is real)

so i thinking of game ideas while in lecture haha.. hmm ai ya i post la.. despite it might b plagarised.. also a good way for me to get my ideas out properly


you control this mini painter on a sheet of blank canvas (but if possible, can hav different environments instead of paper).. then theres this series of dots.. you are supposed to join the dots together, connect-the-dots style.. but while you move your painter to the next dot, alot of obstacles will try to obstruct you..

then you have a set of colors, as you move your painter, your color spreads wherever you go.. you can change your color anytime... and besides moving to the next dot, you might want to color other areas as well..

the enemies will also obstruct you.. and you have a weapon.. a paint gun.. you can shoot your obstacles.. when the obstacles get hit, they will also drop a splash of paint on your painting.. besides that you have a paint gun, where you can spray paint over a distance, and also a paint bomb that splash a small area of paint on your paint.. so besides connecting the dots, you should also aim to decorate your painting.. at the end of the day, you can save your painting (if time permits, a replay of your drawing)

small post

hard to put these in front of other ppl... anyways, when ppl ask me whether im okay, i'll just reply i'm okay..

but i don't dare to speak of improvement for myself.. i won't even dare to say "oh i'm better now" because i noe its just a shovelling away..

[honest post time, i dun like being emo] at nite, i really dunoe wad to tink.. sometimes i feel so damn sad and cry.. sometimes i may not be that sad.. but i feel like letting it out.. sometimes i forgot my sadness.. indeed i realised that sadness can be averted easily.. i can do that.. but i don't feel like doing that.. i actually prefer to get in touch with my sadness.. even sometimes outside wif ppl i will suddenly in my mind remind myself of her

i wont dare speak of progress for myself.. i still miss her.. there are nights when my heart really aches with pain.. im just frustrated all these are emotional and not physical.. that when people ask me whether im okay, well since im not really physically in touch with pain, i say im okay.. if i say im not okay, and explained i still tink of her everynight, you all also wont know what to say one mah.. in the end i also dunoe wad to say to u all.. its the same old thing everyday.. and it will always be like this, since e person's dead, nothing else is gonna change..

in fact, i dont even dare to say "I've stopped crying, I've got over it".. it was my initial reaction though.. that very night i heard of the news and was posting on my forum.. in that few hours i told myself all sorts of reasons to move on with life and honour her.. i said "I GOT OVER IT!!!" that night.. because since her death is still near, you feel you need to honour her.. but after the person's gone for a long time, its no longer like that.. you realise you miss her.. and that's what matters.. it will never be resolved.. you can tell yourself i've got over it, but eventually you will cry and miss her much more in another period of time.. i VERY MUCH hate the classification of grief.. which i went through it alot on the net.. why be so strict on yourself..

in the end, u all will also say im thinking too much of her, dun tink so much, or think im obsessed, so of coz, that's why i say im okay..

but i noe that pretty well.. just wanna say bout nighttime.. my nights is really messed up.. and im not the type to "ok it's 1am, let's call it a day and sleep".. i'm the type that won't sleep until i feel tired.. thus i usually sleep at 5am.. so of coz, during these night times i think of alot of things

what am i thinking? im pretty sure i repeated these alot of times.. in the end i take out her photo, talk to plain air.. or just cry.. i play sad music and cry, or watch some sad clips (bout life and death.. i have a dog movie that's very sad at the end >_>).. and yes sometimes i tink of suicide.. sometimes i really go crazy.. but i knew i wudnt hav the guts to do it anyway.. i'll admit it, sometimes i do hurt myself.. (but im not the /wrist type..) in fact i found comfort in the fact someday i will die.. so i can... finally meet with her again...


i found it pretty interesting in the Jewish Custom i read about on net.. when a parent dies, the children are supposed to mourn for 1 year.. not going to parties and stuff.. but when a child dies.. the parents are supposed to mourn only a month, before resuming back their normal lifes.. the reason?

because when a child dies, the sadness is inconsolable for parents.. a child might get over with a parent's death, but not for a child's death for a parent.. it is so inconsolable that they allow you to mourn only a month because any extended period might lead to deep depression.. thus there's no point in really mourning..

well i pretty hate this.. yea im depressed, but isn't that's how i should feel? to me, its somehow a comfort i feel depress and had thoughts of suicide.. in the eyes of others, it's just a matter of making sure that i survive through my life..